So Cold
by Karakuri1925
Summary: Mello's point of view for 'Remember Me'. Matt's dying. It's my fault he's in the hospital in the first place, because if I had never started the argument by bringing my boyfriend home, Matt never would've gotten angry, and it's all my fault...
1. Show me how it ends it's alright

"_Don't, Mihael. Just don't." Matt murmured, his voice wavering and dangerously soft._

_Matt slammed the door behind him. His bag of clothes was gone. I sat on the couch, my face in my hands and my whole body shaking. I tried to go to sleep on the black sofa. I was almost asleep when I got the call that jerked me out of my half-asleep daze._

"_Hello?"_

"_Is this Mihael Keehl?"_

"_How did you get this number?"_

"_This is the Los Angeles local Hospital. Your roommate, Mail-"_

"_I'm on my way."_

_I didn't even bother to put a shirt on (I was in my pajamas). I threw a coat over my shoulders, pulled on a pair of athletic shorts, forced my needed-to-be-cut hair into a ponytail, and dashed out the door. I was speeding down the highway. Before I knew it I was at the hospital, running toward the front desk, my ponytail almost falling out and my legs still half-asleep from the ride over. I ran to the ER, redoing the overall messy ponytail as I ran. Matt was strapped to a gurney, covered in his own blood and splinters. I stopped dead at the sight of him._

"_Dear Lord in Heaven…"_

"_Mr. Keehl, you got here fast."_

"_Yeah, well, eighty miles per hour on a motorcycle is pretty fast."_

"_That incredibly-"_

"_Dangerous? Yeah, I know, and right now I could care less. What the hell happened to Matt?"_

"_Mr. Jeevas was in a car accident. His car is totaled beyond repair, but your insurance-"_

"_I don't care about the car! Will he be all right?"_

"_It's likely he'll develop severe amnesia."_

_I looked at Matt, his body broken and bleeding, then back to the doctor. I sat in a nearby chair, pulled my knees up to my chest, and cried softly. Several people asked me if I was okay. I just glared at them and watched doctors save Matt's life. My hair flopped out of the ponytail and I pulled it back and tightened the ponytail until it hurt. I didn't care about the pain. It was my fault Matt got into an accident. Near sat beside me on the floor and pulled me to the floor._

"_You could've gotten yourself killed! Eighty miles an hour? What were you thinking?"_

"_I wasn't thinking. I could've gotten Matt killed. We got in an argument before his accident, he wasn't paying attention-"_

"_Mello. It's not your fault. Matthew will be fine. We will all be fine."_

_I wiped the tears off of my face and looked at Matt again. He was shirtless, his now stitched-together wounds clearly visible. He was still moderately bloody, but it was nothing compared to what I had seen._

* * *

_Matt wasn't waking up. Near and I had gotten into a fight about something ridiculously stupid, and he wasn't talking to me. I was leaning up against the wall, my hands in my pockets. I was talking to Matt, even though he couldn't hear me._

"_Matt... I know you can't hear me, but- but you have to wake up soon… Please? I know I haven't been the best roommate, but I was jealous, and Near's just getting worse and worse. He's been coming in here to taunt me. L's using my sister as a human shield. You're in a coma. Just… wake up soon, okay?"_

_I sat down next to Matt, held his hand, and cried. Not that cry that people cry when they're sad. It was the cry people cry when their world is crashing around them, when the buildings they built to keep themselves alive crumble and fade to nothing. It was the cry people cry when the man they love but can never be with is in a coma, their boyfriend is furious with them, and they can't think straight because their brain is full of thoughts of both of them. It was that cry._

* * *

_I was sitting with Matt again. Everything in my inner mind was being eaten away by loneliness and guilt. I was always by Matt's side. My hair reached past its previous length at my shoulders and went down to the middle of my upper back. Today I had it braided and I looked like one of the posters on Matt's walls. I lost weight. I weighed about one-hundred and ten pounds._

"_Hey Matt. Near- Near left me, and I need a friend right now. My sister isn't very helpful, she's awkward with emotions as best. They say that people in comas are semi-aware of what's going on around them, so I thought- I thought I'd come to talk to you, even if you won't talk back." Mello's voice faltered, "They keep saying you won't wake up, but I know you will. I just get this feeling that you're not gone. At least you're finally catching up on sleep, right? You've been in a coma for two weeks and six days… Not that I'm counting or anything! You're mostly all healed up, so maybe that'll help you wake up."_

_A nurse in hospital scrubs opened the door. She had a sad look on her face._

"_Mister Keehl, visiting hours are over. You've been here all day."_

"_Oh, they are? Yeah… I guess I have."_

* * *

It had been three weeks. Matt still hadn't woken up. I had a date set on my calendar that, in the event that Matt never woke up, I was going to get my motorcycle, ride to the Golden Gate Bridge, and throw myself into the water. I was sitting with him again, my hands in his, tears on my face, and Near was waiting in the car for me, like he always did. Doctors came in, grim looks on their faces, and I stood up and left before they had a chance to say anything. _No. No, he's okay. He'll be okay. Everything will be fine._ Near held the passenger door open. I buried my face in my hands.

"He hasn't woken up yet."

"They say he never will."

After that, I checked my phone calendar. Today was the day I marked to throw myself into the waters, and, by extension, the fiery pits of Hell that my life was sure to send me to.


	2. Show me how defenseless you really are

I wrote a note and left it on the counter for Near to find when he woke up. After I said good night to him for the last time, I grabbed a piece of paper and started writing.

_**Near-**_

_**I've gone to the Golden Gate bridge. Don't follow me. Just tell Matt what happened if-when- he wakes up. Please. I love you more than chocolate. And you know how much you mean to me.**_

_**-Mells.**_

It wasn't enough, not nearly enough, but words weren't enough anymore. I got on my motorcycle, not bothering to put my helmet on, and sped down highways and back roads to the Golden Gate bridge. Everything went by me in a whirl of color. After speeding at about ninety miles an hour, I reached the deepest part of the bridge. I parked my motorcycle and locked it to the side of the bridge. Not that it mattered. I wouldn't need it after today. I put the keys in the ignition, so that it looked like I had just gotten off and jumped. I stood on the railing, tears in my eyes, for what felt like hours. I heard someone yell behind me. I closed my eyes, braced myself, bent my knees-

"Mello, stop! Mello!"

I jumped. Someone grabbed the back of my jacket as I fell, making me stop falling. My arms felt the contact of the leather and burned.

"Mello, why are you doing this?"

Near. Near had grabbed my jacket. Near had read the note and followed me. Near had saved my life. I felt droplets hit my jacket. Near was crying. _Near_ was _crying_. I pulled one arm out of my jacket, ready to plunge myself into the depths of the freezing water.

"Mells, please! Stop! He- The hospital called. They said he woke up! Please, Mello, climb back up! _Please!_"

Those words jolted me. I started sliding out of the other sleeve. I fell, half-naked and in my PJs, towards the water. Near reached for my hand and I tried to grab his. My fingers brushed his and I grabbed desperately, knowing full well he was out of reach. I flew like a flat board straight toward the water.

"_Mello!_" I heard him scream.

"_Near! _Near, call the-" I started to scream.

I never finished. My back slapped the water hard enough to tear layers of skin off my back and jolt my head forward. I fell into unconsciousness, only to wake up again hours later in the emergency room, with a police officer sitting next to me. I had bandages on my back and a gauze pad on the back of my neck. My hair was pulled up into a high ponytail, probably because Near had stopped in. The albino was asleep, his hands in mine. I coughed and droplets of water flew out of my mouth.

"What the hell were you thinking?" Near had obviously woken up.

"It's all my fault. He's in the hospital, dying, and it's all my fault. If I hadn't started that stupid argument, none of this would've happened, and he wouldn't be-"

"Mello." That one word slammed my mouth shut.

My name. My name coming out of Near's mouth like that closed my mouth. The skin on my back was itching and my head ached. I coughed and more water came out of my lungs. Near handed me pain pills and a glass of water. The police officer looked at me and sighed.

"Why are you here?"

"Seventy-two hour suicide watch. I'm supposed to make sure you don't try that again."

I buried my face in my hands and put on a pair of sweatpants, my tank top, and my leather jacket. The cop escorted me to Matt's room, where he was staring off into space, listening to the doctor tell him everything. My back stung a bit and my head still ached but it didn't bother me. I opened the door and it hit the wall. My eyes were wide and tear-filled. I gingerly sat in the chair, took his hand in mine and listened.

"He'll remember nothing. He's lost about eighty pounds, so don't roughhouse." He finished explaining what happened to Matt, the extent of his injuries, and how much he won't remember me.

By the end of the explanation, I was crying again and my back was aching. I buried my face in my hands.

"Excuse me, I really don't mean to be rude, but who are you?" Matt asked.

"I'm Mello, your roommate." The words hurt my heart to come out of my mouth.

"But my roommate's name is-"

"My real name's Mihael. Call me Mello."

Matt fell asleep and probably had a nightmare. I put his mother's necklace in his lap, curled up on the floor, and fell asleep. Near came in, dropped a coat on me, kissed my forehead, and left. When I woke up, I woke Matt up and put him in the car. I didn't think he was awake all the way, because when we got back he just fell asleep again. When he woke up, he was crying. He pulled his knees up to his chest. I picked him up and carried him up into his room. I sat next to him in his bed, wrapping my arm around his shoulders. I heard my sister screaming into a cell phone and then crying. She grabbed something out of the hall closet and slammed the door behind her. I cringed at the sound of the doors, the memory of Matt doing the same thing only a few weeks ago. I hit his forehead with the back of my hand.

"Have a nightmare, Matt?"

"Kinda… More like a couple blasts from the past."

I raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Matt recounted his memory perfectly. My phone buzzed. _**No developments.**_ I texted back _**'Message received'**_ and threw the phone onto the bed. I covered my face in my hands and sighed. Matt snuggled against me and put his head on my chest. I laughed and we both drifted off to sleep. I woke up a few minutes later, wondering how to move without waking Matt up. I decided I couldn't and carried him to the couch. I made coffee, drank a mug of it, and walked outside. I was talking to Linda on the phone, leaning up against the wall. I was fuming.

"Near won't answer any of my calls!"

"You did run to Matt's side."

I paled. She had me there. I had done something horrible to Near. _Dammit!_ I silently cried until my face went red. Hearing Matt up in the house, I wiped my face off and resumed a conversation with Linda. Matt walked outside, snatched my phone, and held up a hand to stop me lunging at him.

"Mello's busy at the moment, you're going to have to call back later."

Linda said something incomprehensible. Matt flicked the phone shut.

"_Matthew, what the hell do you think you're doing?_" I snapped, more viciously than I had meant to.

Matt winced. My eyes filled with regret and Matt's closed. He put my cell phone into my hand, turned on his heel, and walked inside, slamming the door behind him. I buried my face into my hands, then punched the wall.

"_Why the hell can't I do anything right?_" I yelled at myself in frustration.

_You're not helping yourself, Mello, _I told myself. I walked inside quietly, softly knocking on Matt's locked door. I heard him crying. I whispered insignificant nothings into the door, hoping against the odds he heard me. All the noise stopped.

"Matt? Matt, are you all right?"

I picked the lock and opened the door. Matt had frozen where he lay. His lip was bleeding and he had tears on his face. I handed him a tissue and pulled him into my arms. The motion made my back scream with pain but I ignored it.

"Mattie, what happened? This isn't my fault, is it? Mattie, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that-"

"My dad. I remembered my dad."

I froze. I pulled him into my arms tighter, not caring that he was covered in blood, sweat, and tears. Matt gripped my shirt and tightened his grip. I found his hands and gently detached them.

"Go to sleep. Lord knows you need it. Don't worry. I'll be right here when you wake up this time. I promise."

Matt smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist. I eased myself backward, trying to cause both of us as little pain as possible. I traced the outline of his ribs, knowing full well that he was extremely ticklish there.

"You know, for someone trying to get me to sleep, you're not helping."

I laughed and pulled the stray blankets over us. They smelled musky, smoky, and, well, like Matt. I fell asleep and stayed asleep.

"_Idiot child! Satan himself lives within you! How dare you try to kill yourself!" My mother's voice reverberated around in my head._

"_You are not my son." My father._

"_My grandson puts himself in Hell by his actions!" My grandmother._

"_I cannot accept this. You are going to Hell." My grandfather._

My eyes snapped open. Matt was gasping and covered in sweat. The night air was cool, so I knew something was wrong.


	3. satisfied and empty inside

I jumped up, waking up totally. I turned the lights on. I forced Matt's head back, trying not to tear his head from his shoulders. I searched for my phone as quickly as possible, knowing full well that my best friend was dying as I searched. I called nine-one-one, freaked out about it while the phone rang, and got an ambulance to my house as fast as physically possible. I watched emergency medical technicians strap Matt to a stretcher again. They told me nobody but family could ride in the ambulance.

"He has no family. If he dies in that ambulance-"

"Sir, we're doing what we can to help him. We'll transport him to the emergency room immediately, but his condition-"

"To hell with you!" I screamed, kicking the door open and getting onto my motorcycle. I jammed my helmet onto my head as I and the ambulance rushed to the hospital.

It felt like hours after Matt's episode. Near had come, yelled at me for speeding again, then seen Matt's pale, blood-stained face. I was sitting in the same position as the first time Matt was in the ER. Near took my hands away from my face and looked me in the eyes before pulling me onto the floor and into his arms.

"Mells, it's okay, Matt will be all right."

I buried my face in Near's white shirt, trying successfully to block out the sounds of the ER. Near wrapped his arms around me in a robotic parody of a hug. Eventually I fell asleep and I felt Near put my head in his lap.

"_You disgrace your family."_

_I froze. Everything around me was a black, swirling mass around me. I recognized Near's voice, judgmental and cruel in my dream. I fought hard to recall his voice before, loving and sweet. I dropped to my knees and cradled my head in my hands._

"_You should just die, you know. It would make everything easier for everyone."_

The scene in my head shifted to show me that dark day.

"_One."_

"_Two."_

_On the silent count of 'three', my parents took the razor blades across my wrists. I bit my lip and keened softly. I felt my blood swirling into the bathtub._

"_I will __**not**__ have a devil for a son! You will be purged or die, Mihael! Satan himself has possessed you! His thoughts of this 'boyfriend' you seem to have fabricated are in your head!" I heard my mother screech._

_I threw up into the bathtub, much to my parent's disgust. They cut deeper again, spilling more blood. I fell into the gracious arms of unconsciousness gladly._

I woke up, my head still in Near's lap, and the albino's fingers tracing the silvery scars on my wrists. I had dried tears on my face.

"How long ago did you cut yourself?" Near asked carefully.

"Not-Not even Matt knows what happened. You can't tell him, Near, you can't tell anybody. Please."

"I promise I won't." Near's voice was sure, sincere.

"I was about thirteen when my parents tried to kill me. They called it 'purging me of my sin' and counted to three…" I couldn't talk anymore and just cried into Near's shoulder.

Near tensed and wrapped his arms around me tighter. I hiccupped. Near kissed the top of my head. He apologized over and over again.

"Mello, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry."

"Near. It's not your fault."

Near kissed my forehead and buried his snow-white head in my shoulder. It was my turn to hold him. I kissed his head and wrapped my arms around him. He excused himself to the bathroom and basically ordered me to visit Matt. I got up, walked to the front desk, asked where Matt was, and meandered down the hall. My chest clenched and unclenched with uncertainty and guilt. I finally stumbled into Matt's room, practically fell into my chair, and grasped Matt's freezing hand in my sweaty one. Matt opened his eyes and I realized mine were full of tears.

"Damn. All this crying doesn't suit you, Mells." Matt's voice was hoarse, quiet, and made my heart clench again.

I smiled and hugged Matt. I couldn't meet his eye. _Matt, you have no idea…_

"Mello… Why are you crying?" Matt's voice was still hoarse.

I shook my head and broke into fresh tidal waves of sobbing. _I can't tell him, I can never tell him. What I wouldn't give to have Near with me, sitting with me._ I felt empty sitting alone in a room with Matt. Near had been there when Matt hadn't. He had held me while I sobbed, kept me from dying, and hell, he made me feel alive. I stood up and began to leave.

"Don't go." I heard Matt whisper.

_Ignore him. Ignore him and leave._ Half of me said. The other, more Matt-obsessed half, urged me to turn around and sit the hell back down. I heard him say my name. I froze midstep. I wheeled around, seeing the guilt and regret in my eyes reflected in Matt's.

"Matt."

He flinched at my voice, which had come out emptier than I thought it could, and pointed at the chair. I sat down, albeit reluctantly.

"Matt, this is all my-" I blurted, my voice rushed.

"No. Don't start that. It's not your fault." Matt rasped.

"Yes, it is. If I hadn't-"

"Mello. Stop. Nothing is your fault. I promise you that. The damage to my lungs isn't your fault. It's probably from smoking and me generally being reckless. This is in no way your fault."

Matt coughed and a little bit of blood slid down his chin. He wiped it away and stared at me. I probably looked like a kicked puppy. He reached up to wrap his arms around me and a coughing fit forced Matt to cover his mouth with his elbows and double over. Blood came flying out of Matt's mouth from God only knows where and I hit his back a couple times. After a few minutes, Matt's coughing subsided. He fell back against the pillows, his face covered in cold sweat and blood. I snatched some paper towels and wiped his face off.

"Thanks."

"You should talk less. You're just going to tire yourself out." I chided.

"I'd rather talk to you than sit in silence."

"Did you get any of your memories back? Maybe one of them is the key to figuring out what's going on with your lungs."

Matt fell asleep. Near came in, dropped off lunch, which I shoved under my chair after he left, and kissed me before leaving. I smiled, but it was a sad smile. After Near left, an ache spread throughout my chest.

"Matt!"

Matt coughed, which only sent more blood flying out of his mouth. Spasms racked through his lungs. He coughed until I could hear blood burble in the bottoms of his lungs and saw it run down the sides of his face. I yelled out the open door. Someone yelled back and I felt I sank into my chair, holding my hands in Matt's and putting my head on his chest. I was listening for his heartbeat. I was saying his name still. Doctors were trying to pull me off of him. I was fighting tooth and nail. I was screaming my name and he was staring at me. He tried to call out when I disappeared.

"M-" the rest of my name was lost when he lost consciousness.

Matt was rushed into the operating room. I called Near, tears in my eyes.

"Mello, what is it? What's wrong?"

"Near, it's Matt, he's coughing up blood and they're operating on his lungs-"

"I _don't want to hear about Matt anymore._"

With a mechanical clicking noise, the one man I really treasured was gone. I fell to my knees, my hair tickling my face. Linda ran into the hospital room, saw me on my knees, and crouched down in front of me. She put her hands on my shoulders and shook me out of my lethargic state. I squeezed my eyes shut. Linda picked my chin up.

"Hey, Mello, it's alright. Matt will be fine."

I brushed her hands off of me.

"Matt will be fine. I won't."

I stormed out of the hospital, not out of anger, but out of pain. I got on my motorcycle and sped back home, not caring how fast I was going. I didn't care about how much the wind stung when it whipped my back. I didn't care if what I was doing was going to kill me. There was a note on my pillow from Near.


	4. Well, that's alright,

_I don't only want to hear about how Matt is, Mello. If you can't get over him, I can't stick around. Don't call me. Don't text me. Get out of my life. I don't need to be around someone who's always crying about someone they can never have._

_Near._

I threw the note onto my desk and screamed into my pillows. I screamed until my voice was raw and I couldn't scream anymore. Everything was crumbling around me. When my voice came back, I screamed until there was blood in my mouth. I sobbed and sobbed. I felt someone sit on the bed next to me. It was probably Linda. No matter how much I shrieked, how much I sobbed, that person never stood up. They never left. I turned my head to look at them. I saw a flash of white hair as the person charged out of my room. _Near…_ Watching him run off made my heart clench and brought fresh sobs. I heard Linda call my name throughout the house. I moaned into my pillow. I heard Linda come into my room and sit next to me. She rubbed circles into my back and just let me scream and cry. She saw the open note on my desk and gave a sympathetic whimpering sound. My face was pink and covered in tears by the time my voice was gone and I had a fever I had cried so long. Linda closed and locked the front door. I cleaned up my face changed out of my sweatpants and tank top and into athletic shorts and a t-shirt.

Linda made coffee and put the note in front of me at the kitchen table. I looked at it and got tears in my eyes. She shook her head and put her hands on mine.

"Mello-"

"Don't." I croaked, wincing at the pain in my throat.

"You have-"

"Just stop it, Linda. Please." I muttered again, tears coming to my eyes.

Linda kept her hands on mine, her gaze meaningful. I got up and rode my bike as fast as I could (about one-hundred and twenty miles an hour) to the hospital. I sat down in Matt's room, my hands on his hands.

"Matt…"

Matt opened his eyes. He stared at the needle mark on my arm. I grinned.

"It's from when I was fighting them. I bit a lot of doctors and they decided to sedate me." I blushed. My voice had lost some of its croak.

Matt smiled and my grip on his hand tightened until my knuckles turned white. I put his head in my lap. _I don't ever want to lose this._ I had pinprick tears in my eyes again.

"Matt… You're okay."

_'I'll always be okay.'_

Matt's eyes glazed over and I just waited patiently. He coughed and a few droplets of blood speckled the mask. I gently put him back into his hospital bed and sat back in my chair.

'_I woke up. It was…Pure hell."_

_"_I should think so. Your screaming unnerved the best surgeon we have." A doctor who had slipped into the room said. "Mr. Keehl, may I speak to you in the hall for a moment please?"

Matt's grip on my hand tightened. I gave a reassuring squeeze and stood, following the doctor out the door.

"Mr. Jeevas is dying."

"Are you sure there's nothing-"

"There's nothing we can do at this point, Mr. Keehl."

"What do you mean 'at this point'?" I was so upset I could feel my hands shake.

"Once we figure out why there are holes in his lungs, we'll be able to stop them from form-"

"If he dies because of me, I'll never forgive myself or you. Save his life. Please." My voice sounded empty, hollow, and foreign to me.

I walked back inside the hospital room, shaking and crying. Matt hugged me. I felt his heart slow and put him back down on his bed. The tube was removed and Matt opened his mouth.

"Mello… I love you."

I froze. My eyes were full of tears again and doctors led me out of the room. I watched through the window as Matt's heart stopped and doctors attacked his chest with a defibrillator. I wiped tears off of my face. They stuck tubes in his throat and motioned for me to come back inside. I flew to his bedside, grasping his hands in mine. A tear fell down my cheek and Matt wiped it away. I kissed his forehead. Matt shivered, so I pulled the covers up over his chest. I tightened my grasp on his hands.

"I still don't remember everything."

"You'll remember. Just give yourself some time, Matt. Everything will work out." I replied, my voice hoarse.

Matt coughed as he tried to sit up. His eyelids fluttered shut. I held his hands until he fell asleep. I rose when I was sure he wouldn't wake up as soon as I disappeared. I passed Near in the hall. He met my eyes and I looked away, wiping the tears off of my face. He grabbed my arm when I walked right past him. He turned me around and put his lips to my ear.

"Mello… Don't hate me."

I stared at him.

"I could never hate you." I said, and I felt Near freeze. "You're everything and nothing. I love you and I hate you. You make me cry and you make me smile. You're the bane of my existence and you're a stranger. You keep me sane and you make me crazy. I hate everything about you, but I love everything too."

"Mello… There are some things you can't stop."

"One of them is loving you."

Near let go of my arm and grabbed on my shoulders. He put his lips to mine in a kiss that was fierce and tame, soft and harsh, and lovingly cruel. He pulled away from me and walked off. I stood, frozen, before a doctor talking to me snapped my out of my senses.

"-Is incredibly sick. The holes in his lungs will kill him unless we perform this surgery."

"I can't pay for it."

"Not a problem. We received an email from someone named L who is willing to pay for the operation."

My face lit up. _He'll be okay…_ I walked out of the hospital, numb with joy. I saw a new note on my bed, and knew full well it was from Near.

_Hey Mello. You remember what I wrote earlier? I lied. You're everything. I love you. You make me smile. You're the bane of my existence, stranger. You make me crazy. I love everything about you. Call me. Text me. Come back into my life. I love you, Mello. So if you'll take me back, I'll love you forever. Not that I won't anyway._

_~Near._

On the bottom of the note was a crudely drawn rose. I smiled, pocketed the note, and got on my motorcycle. I rode over to Near's apartment on the better side of town. I knocked softly on the door and he opened it, his hair more bedraggled than normal and sleep deprivation clear on his face.

"What do you need, Mello?"

"You." I replied.

Near stepped away from the door and smiled. His arms locked behind my head and wound themselves in my hair. His lips tasted like hot chocolate and whipped cream. We broke apart when his phone rang. The caller ID said that the hospital was calling. Near nodded to me and we ran to his car, hands linked, me in front of him. He got in the driver's seat and I sat in the passenger's seat. Near dropped me off, muttered something about coffee, and drove away. I fell asleep next to Matt's bed, which had been encased in a glass chamber. I must have dozed off, because I remembered a nightmare.

"_Idiot child won't die fast enough."_


	5. let's give this another try

"_Dear, have patience. He'll die when God deems it his time."_

"_I'm not waiting." My mother replied, snatching the pistol off of the mantle._

"_Darling, wait another day. The neighbors-"_

"_Damn the neighbors!" She screeched, storming up to the bathroom where I lay, barely conscious and still bleeding._

_She aimed the gun at me and shot. Her shot missed and hit my shoulder. I was too out of it to flinch and just stared at her. She swore and shot me again. She screamed at me in French and in English._

"_You're a worthless brat! If you would just die, your father and I could be clean again! You go against all of humanity and God's ways. Pay for your sins with your life." _

"_Mom… Please…" I surprised myself by speaking._

"_Die you demon of Hell! Die!" She shot my neck._

I jolted awake when Matt tapped on the glass. I put a hand to my neck and felt no wound. _It was only a dream. It was only a dream._ I repeated that thought over and over in my head to keep me sane.

"Matt?"

He waved, and relief flooded through me.

"I was so worried! They- They told me you were awake for most of the operation, that you weren't going under, that there was nothing they could've done-"

Matt nodded, unable to speak. Doctors rushed in and did their jobs, elbowing me out of the way. My hands were covered in Matt's blood. I snatched his hands, clinging to them like a lifeline. My shirt was stained a dark red and Matt opened his eyes.

"I thought- Matt, I thought you were really gone that time, and-"

"I'm fine."

"You sure as hell aren't! Your lungs are half sutures and the hell if you didn't just almost croak!"

Matt laughed, and the semi-permanent crease in my forehead deepened. Matt coughed, I tensed, he rolled his eyes and fell asleep. I followed soon after and dreamt of the same nightmare as before. I relived the feeling of being shot by my mother. I awoke to L in the room, ripping the mask off of Matt's face. Matt was hallucinating. I held his shoulders down. I didn't notice the purple bruising on my hands until the doctors had rushed in.

"_Maman! Maman, ou est tu? Maman!"_

"Matthew, your mother-"

"M, it is of no use. Matthew cannot hear what you are saying."

"_Non! Mon dieu, s'il vous plait, tout mais pas ça! Mon dieu-"_

I shook Matt's shoulders, trying to rouse him from his hallucination.

"_Non! Mon dieu, non! Monsieur, éloignez vous de moi! Monsieur!"_

"Matt!"

"_Non! Eloigne toi de moi! **E**__**loigne toi de moi**__!"_

"Matt-"

"_Ca va."_

"Matt, they told me-"

"I know, Mello. I know."

Matt held my hands in his and I sobbed. They weren't happy tears-Matt was dying. Matt's breath caught and he coughed a river of blood. I stopped crying to wipe my eyes and clean up Matt's face. Matt kissed my hand, leaving a bloody lip mark on my knuckles. I pulled Matt into my arms. Matt couldn't keep his head up anymore and it lolled to the side. I held him like one would hold an infant. Matt and I had known that we were never going to be together until it was far too late to do anything.

"Matt… Don't die. Please." Mello whispered, pulling my head into his chest.

I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"My time has come, Mells. It may be too soon, or for some not soon enough, but here it is. This is the way your God wants me to go."

"No, Matt, please. Not now. Not like this. Please, God, give us more time…"

Matt opened his eyes and drew in a shaky breath with his patchwork lungs. I was praying to myself. Matt leaned against me. Matt had blood congealed onto his face and in his hair. He was deathly pale, his face was thinner than I remembered, and Matt's eyes looked dead.

"S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse, a persona che mai tornasse al mondo…" Matt muttered, but I cut off by kissing him goodbye.

Matt's eyes shut, but his mouth opened wide and he screamed.

"_Sauve-moi, _

"Matt, please, come back to me, I promise-"

"_Maman, sauve-moi!_"

Blood was dribbling out of Matt's mouth. I squeezed his hand and prayed under my breath. Matt tried to curl in on himself, obviously in pain, but the irritating doctors pinned him flat to the bed and I was crying. He coughed more blood. When Matt woke up, I was on the other side of the crystal prison. I was saying innocent nothings, knowing full well that Matt couldn't hear me. His heart monitor was slow and missing beats. He mouthed something that looked like 'Mello, I love you' and put his hand on the glass.

"Matt… I love you too."

Matt didn't react, so I guessed he didn't hear me. I didn't realize that I was crying until doctors grabbed my arms and frog marched me out of the room. I was limp in their arms. I couldn't physically react to anything going on around me. Near and L followed me. I heard the soft clicking sound as they locked the door. Near wrapped his arms around me and looked into my eyes. I didn't move. L shook my shoulders. I didn't even feel his hands on my shoulders. Near brought his hand across my face, hard, jerking me out of my stupor. I stood up, fuming, and kicked my way into the goddamn hospital room. I ripped the glass case off of the bed and gathered Matt into my arms.

"_Sauvez-moi! Sauvez-moi, mes parents! __**Sauvez-moi!**__"_

"Matt… If you can hear me, and I don't know if you can, but if you can hear me, please come back. Please. I can't bear losing you, not to this. Not when I know that they can save you. Please… Oh God, please stop! If this is karma for what I've done, if this is a sign I need to make my life mean something, then I get it! Don't punish Matt because of me. Dear Lord in Heaven…" My voice trailed off.

"_Mello…. Sauve-moi. Sauve-moi…" _Matt was drifting in and out of consciousness. I was aware of tears falling down my face. Near led me out of the room, insisting that I needed to get some rest.

I slept in the backseat of the car, Near's coat draped over me. Near was sitting in the front seat, waiting for me to wake up.

"_Mihael! Mihael, you're okay… You satanic child!"_

"_Mom, please! Mother, please, stop…."_

"Mello!"

"_Stop! Mom, please, I didn't do anything wrong-"_

"Mello, wake up! You have to wake up!"

It was Near's voice. I opened my eyes, only to feel Near's hand on my forehead and cold sweat on my skin. I curled in on myself and Near just pulled me into his arms.

"You were muttering in your sleep… It sounded like you were being axe-murdered, so I woke you up. What were you dreaming about?"

"My mom…" I shuddered.

"Hey now, it's okay. Nothing can harm you here. It's all a dream."

"Y-Yeah. Let's go back inside?"

"Let's." Near took my hand and led me inside.

I sat next to Matt. He punched the glass, cracking it, and screamed. I shook my head and put a hand on the crack. Matt recoiled from me as if I'd struck him. Matt screamed and curled into the fetal position. When he woke up, the glass was gone, and my hand was entwined with his. I didn't even realize what I was saying.

"-Temporarily paralyzed, they say you'll get the use of your legs back, but your seizure scared them like crazy, Mattie. You were screaming for hours."

Matt chuckled. My eyes were still filled with tears.

"What's wrong, Mells? What's happened?"

"You're still dying, Matt. They said… They said you had two days left… That this medicine wouldn't cure your lungs…"

"Mello. Stop. I know you're upset, but I've lived my entire life knowing I was going to die. That's why that one night in the bar when we both got really drunk I told you I couldn't be in a relationship with you. You thought it was something you did… But I just wanted to see you smile with someone who will live as long as you will, not cry and worry over me. I won't even live to the age of thirty, Mello, and you'll live until you're in your nineties. I've been so caught up in my own death I never thought to run and run fast. If I'd left none of this would've happened."

"No. You'd be fading by yourself."

"Everyone dies by themselves, Mells. No one can follow me to where I'm going. But I'm not afraid of dying. If I die, then let me die. If I live, then I live. This is the way the Fates intended me to die, and so I'll die the way they want me to. Life isn't about not dying, Mello. It's about living while you can and trying your damnedest to make the most of it."

I got up and excused myself. I got on my motorcycle and drove home. I opened the door to the bathroom, stared at the bathtub, shuddered, and retched over the toilet. Everything I ate came back up and my hair fell into it. I felt someone hold my hair back and I only vomited more in response. A flash of white told me that Near had discovered me. I retched and nothing came up, so Near flushed the puke-filled toilet and stuck me into the now-filled bathtub.

"I'm sorry, Mello. I'm so sorry."

I was shaking violently, watching my blood swirl away with the water.

"_One."_

"_Two."_

I shook my head to get rid of the memory. Near put the ends of my hair into the water and washed the filth out of them. I sat there, catatonic, until Near pulled me out and dried my head off. He put a pair of pajamas on top of the now-closed toilet seat and walked out. I changed, pulled my now-clean hair into a ponytail, brushed my teeth, and walked out. Near was waiting for me. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face was pale, my eyes were bloodshot, and my cheeks were sunken in.

"You look like Hell."

I responded by nodding and collapsing onto the couch. One of my arms flopped over my stomach. The other was dangling off the side of the couch. I fell asleep almost immediately. Near had draped a blanket over me. I slept so deeply I did not dream. When I woke up, I was in the passenger seat of the car. Near was driving the familiar route to the hospital.

"The hospital called while you were dead to the world. Matt's condition took a nose dive."

I stiffened and tried to fall back asleep. I failed miserably. I sat with Matt and held him as he slept.

"Matt, don't tell me to shut up, or to stop talking, because this is important. I love you. I love you more than anything in this world or the next. I would give up everything for you. Why would you keep me in the dark about your lungs for so long? And don't give me that 'I didn't want to worry you' bullshit."

"I didn't want you to know."

"Why not?"

"Because… I didn't want you thinking that I was weak."

I pulled him into my arms again and kissed his forehead. I was sobbing, my hand resting over Matt's heart, where it stayed until Matt's heart stopped.

"Hey, Mello?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Matt."

"Au revoir, mi amour."

"No, Matt-"

Matt screamed, cutting off my sentence. I felt his heart give out and sobbed harder. Everything crumbled around me. Near put Matt back onto the bed and even he had tears in his eyes. He walked me to the car and drove me home.

"It'll all be okay. He's not in pain anymore."

I didn't respond. I stared into space. Near sighed and half-led, half-carried me into the house. Everything seemed dull, colorless. Near sat me in a kitchen chair and put a mug of hot tea in front of me. Near whisked it away when I just stared at it. My limbs felt like lead, and my heart felt empty.


	6. If you find your family,

Near carried me up into my room and lay beside me while I slept. I had horrible nightmares.

"_Mihael, your new name is Mello. Your parents have been arrested for attempted murder. You will move into Whammy's Orphanage for Privileged Children when you are released from this hospital."_

_I was in too much pain to comprehend what Watari was saying. I screamed in agony and anguish._

Near had his hand clamped over my mouth, trying to muffle my screams. I woke up crying. I grabbed the front of Near's shirt and sobbed for hours on end. He pulled me close to his chest.

"Shh, Mello, it's okay. You're fine. Nobody is going to hurt you."

I whimpered and buried my head deeper in Near's chest. I listened to his heartbeat, solaced by its steady rhythm. Near rubbed comforting circles in my back and murmured in my ears. I soaked Near's shirt through with tears and he just lay there, holding me while I cried. My voice was raw because I had been screaming so loudly in my sleep.

"Mells, c'mon, look at me." He maneuvered my head so that I was looking at him, "You're okay. I'm here. I won't let anything happen to you, Mello. I promise." He kissed my forehead.

The next few days passed in a numb blur. I ate, I slept, and I breathed, but nothing felt real anymore. Near was always at my house, making sure I was okay. L stopped by a few times, only to talk to Near, and sometimes tried to talk to me. I just stared off into space. Linda came over and personally screamed at me for overreacting and not getting on with my life like Matt would have wanted. Near was the silence I needed. He never spoke, he just held me while I cried and helped me through my life. One day, Linda got so fed up with me she just stared into my eyes. She nodded to herself and smacked my face. There was an angry red mark. I didn't move.

The next day Near brought me to a psychologist. I didn't speak, and the idiot kept asking me stupid questions like 'Do you feel you had something to do with his death?' _Of course I did! It's my fault he got into that goddamn accident! Why can't you just shut up and leave me alone?_ I wanted to say all of that. But I didn't. Talking was giving in. I was determined to not give in. I just sat there, my knees pulled up to my chest, and stared at the desk. When the session was over, the psychologist said we made a lot of progress and told me to come back next week. I shrugged and got into Near's car. Near asked me if I had to come back, and I just nodded.

"Mells, you have to talk to the goddamn psychologist."

"He's an idiot."

"I don't care! Talking to him will be easier than silence."

I shook my head and stared out the window. Near parked on the side of the road, locked the doors, and turned off the engine. It was obvious we weren't going anywhere.

"Fine, then. If you won't even talk to me, I'm not moving this car. We aren't going home so that you can sit around and mope all day!"

"I don't see what there is to talk about."

"You won't talk to anyone! You just stare into space and- and fall apart! Do you know how hard it is to watch the one person that's everything to you let themselves just fall apart? Because that's what you're making me do, Mello! You're making me sit here and watch you _just like you watched Matt._"

Near had had enough. That much was obvious. But his comment about Matt made me flinch. I could see the regret and sadness in Near's eyes. I looked into his eyes and unlocked my door.

"I know what it's like to watch everything crumble around you. There's nothing left for me here." I replied, my voice crackling and soft.

I got out of the car and walked to the nearest motel. I checked in under a fake name and stayed the night there. When I woke up, I just lay there in silence. There was the ache of not having Near with me, but I didn't want him going through what I'd been putting him through. I walked to my house, grabbed my motorcycle, and rode around at crazy speeds, knowing that I was most likely going to get into an accident and die. Near called my cell phone repeatedly, trying to make sure I was okay.

"_Hey Mells, you know who it is… Call me back, please, I'm worried about you. Please come home. You can do whatever you want, you can mope, you can scream, just please come home."_

"_Mells, please come back to me. Linda's not much company. Oh, don't tell her I said that. But… please. Come home soon. We're all worried about you."_

"_Mello, this is Linda. Get your ass back here right now or I'm finding you. Don't ask me how, because I know it won't be hard to get every squad car out there looking for you. Get home now. The only reason I'm on the phone and not Near is because Near is falling apart. Please, Mells. Come home."_

I called the house phone. Near didn't answer, but Linda did.

"Is he okay?"

"_No, Mello. He's not okay. You just ran off. He was terrified that you were going to get into an accident. He's upstairs asleep, but he's been awake since you left. Mello, get your ass back here. Near's worried sick about you, and I'm sure that if you don't come home, he's going to physically get sick. You should see him. He's pale as death, and he won't touch any of the food I put in front of him."_

"Linda, make sure he eats-"

"_No. You get back here and make sure of that yourself. I can only do so much, Mello, before it's all out of my hands and in yours. So either come home or call back later and talk to Near yourself."_


	7. don't you cry

Linda hung up the phone. _Near's worried sick about me…_ I rode my bike around for hours before I parked at the In-and-Out Burger and called Near.

"_Hello?"_

"Near, it's me."

I heard him draw a shaky breath.

"_You're okay."_

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"_I thought you got into an accident, and then Linda said you called while I was asleep-"_

"Near, sweetie, calm down. I'm okay. Everything is okay. I'll be home in a few hours. You need to take care of yourself in the meantime. If I come home and you're sick, you're getting an earful."

Near chuckled and hung up. I decided to ride my bike for a few more hours, spend the night in the motel, and come home in the morning. It was almost dark when I got back to the motel. I walked into my hotel room and fell asleep. When I woke up, there were a few texts from Linda. Most of them were 'where are you' and 'you idiot come home'. Near hadn't called or texted me. I was worried about him. I got onto my motorcycle and sped home. It was about five in the morning, so there wasn't much traffic. I quietly opened the front door, saw Linda asleep on the couch, and closed the door quietly. She woke up and would probably have started screaming at me if Near hadn't been asleep.

"How long was he up?"

"He just fell asleep. He was up most the night with a fever, and he threw up a few times. This whole endeavor has been hard on him too, Mello. Matt's death didn't only distress you. And then you ran off, and I think the stress was just too much for him. I had to take him to the _hospital_, Mello. He had a really high fever."

I paled at the word 'hospital'. Near came into the living room, his hair rumpled and in his pajamas. He was rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Near, go to bed. You need to sleep."

He turned around and fell to the floor. Linda swore under her breath and picked him up. She half-dragged half-carried him to his room and put him in bed. When she came back, she was glaring at me.

"It's my fault, isn't it?"

"No. Well, partially. Near waited up for you, you know. Both nights. He's exhausted. I found out earlier that he hadn't actually slept because he was throwing up in the bathroom. When his fever got too high to be safe I took him to the hospital. They said it was just exhaustion. So basically, he needs to sleep or he's only going to get worse. Although, now that you're back, he should be able to-"

"I'm not staying. I'm picking up some of my things and then I'm leaving again. I have to tell Light about Matt and Near, and that means I'm going to Japan."

"I can't believe you! He's going to get worse and you're not going to be here for him to be able to get better. You're going to be halfway across the world! You _ass_!"

Linda's voice had risen from a whisper to a full-blown shout. Near was unconscious, which was a blessing, so she wasn't worried about him waking up. I winced and she just glared at me.

"You're mad at me now aren't you?"

"How the hell can I _not_ be mad at you? You can't leave, Near needs you! I thought by now you'd realize that!"

I just packed a duffel bag and grabbed my plane ticket out from underneath my motorcycle seat. I rode to the airport, parked my motorcycle in the parking lot, and boarded my plane. Within a few days I was in Japan, looking for Light. When I found him, he was just finishing up school.

"Hey, Mello! What's up?"

"Matt died."

Light sat on the park bench, his head in his hands.

"Although I can't say I'm surprised, that's horrible."

"Yeah. Near's worrying himself sick about me and I don't know how to stop him."

"Maybe if you just spent some time with him he would be better."

My phone vibrated in my pocket to let me know that Near was calling. Light nodded his approval for me to answer it.

"Hello?"

"_Where are you? I thought you'd-" _Near cut himself off and coughed into his elbow.

"Near, you should be asleep. You're exhausted."

"_I can't fall asleep because you aren't here. I'm worried because you promised me you'd come home and you didn't. Linda's pissed and I don't know where you are because she won't-_" I heard Near throw up with a sickening noise.

"Nathaniel Rivers, get your ass in bed and go the hell to sleep before I fly back home and make you sleep. You aren't well, and you know that. Go. To. Sleep. Right. Now."

"_Right… Night, Mells."_

I snapped my phone shut. Light looked at me and I just buried my face in my hands. He put a hand on my shoulder and nodded. I bought a ticket back to LA and got on the plane. I was on my motorcycle, speeding towards Near. When I got to my house, Linda was leading Near to the car. He was shaking like mad and had blankets draped around his shoulders. He didn't seem to see me when I parked my motorcycle and fell asleep in the back of the car. Linda pointed to the passenger seat and I got into the car after her. She handed me hospital records and I read each and every one of them. All of them were Near's. According to the records, Near had a fever, upset stomach, headaches, and dizzy spells. The records also said that almost all of Near's recent medical issues were due to exhaustion and stress. Once we got to the hospital, Near was admitted and properly taken care of. I just sat there, useless, while Linda described his condition. Near was throwing up into a trash can and his knees were knocking together. I held him up and pulled his hair out of his face.

"Hey, sweetie, I'm right here. I'm right here. Everything is fine, Near. You're okay. I'm okay. We're all okay. Everything is fine." I rubbed his back and he leaned on me.

Linda helped me deposit Near into the hospital bed. He was blissfully unaware of what was going on around him. I clung to his hand, crying. Even though I knew that he was going to be okay once he got some sleep and time with me, holding his hand in a hospital brought back too-fresh memories. I fell asleep still holding onto Near's hands. When I woke up, Near was staring at me like I was a mirage.

"You're back."

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

Near looked at me intently, as if trying to read into my eyes for any chance I was lying.

"How am I supposed to believe you when you promised me you would be back in a few hours and you didn't come back? I waited up every night you were gone, Mello. Every night I waited for you to come back. And every night you didn't. I waited through the day too. You didn't come back. I waited and waited, and you never came back. I should hate you. I should be so mad at you I can't talk to you. But I can't be because I love you."

"Near… I'm so sorry I left in the first place. I was mad, it was stupid, and I shouldn't have left. I was being selfish. You're everything. You're what matters. You're everything. I love you."

Near just shook his head.

"No. You love Matt. You know you do. Or did. I don't know anything about you anymore. Everything you had me think you were- honest, caring, selfless- all of that was a lie. Because you only love one person, and that's either Matt or yourself. I'm on the outside looking in. You're on the inside looking inside."

"Near-"

"I'm not finished. You had to go to Japan to tell Light about Matt. _You_ had to get mad and storm off. _You _had to spend the night in a motel because you were upset. _You_ almost killed yourself on a motorcycle. _I _went home and worried. _I_ went home and felt sick for days. _I_ went back to being alone. _I_ was left to deal with the ache that comes with you being away. You do what you have to. I don't know if you do what you do to find peace, or to feel like you're paying for something, but think about how your choices affect others for once, Mello. I thought you were _dead._ Linda thought you had fled the country. L thought you were hiding in the warehouse again. Light thought you were in Japan. You didn't tell anyone where you were or where you were going. I was terrified, Mello. For the first time in forever, I was terrified of losing everything."

Near looked at me like it was my turn to speak. I just stared at him. Everything he had said was right. I was a selfish brat and he was an angel. But he loved me. I loved Matt still. But Matt was dead and Near was still with me. Through everything I did to him, Near had stuck with me. Even then, when I was at my worst and Near was so sick he was in the hospital, he still stayed with me. He never told me to get out or to leave him forever. He told me what he thought and everything I had missed in his life. And that's what I loved about Near. Everything.

"Near, I love you. Everything about you. You tell me everything like it is. You keep everything in place. You can never lose everything because you are everything."

"Mello, if you were to ask me which was more important, you or my life, and I were to say my life, what would you do?"

"I would probably storm off because I was upset, but come back to you."

"I would say my life because you are my life. You're everything. If I were to lose you, I would lose everything. You may piss me off, but you're everything. If I had a rose for every time you made me smile, I could walk through a garden of roses and still have miles of them to go before I reached the end. I love you."

"I'm making you something when we get home. And I'm making this up to you. It's my fault you're sick. I do declare breakfast in bed every day for the next month!" I said, making my voice grand.

Near laughed and I wrapped him in my arms. His head was warm, he was covered in cold sweat, he smelled like vomit, but he was Near. He was everything I could ever have wished for and everything I needed. I kissed his forehead and drove Linda back to her house before walking home. Near's surprise had to be special. I got into Near's car and went to the florist. Near would get his garden of roses, and this time I would make them perfect. I bought over thirty white roses, three black magic roses, and one red rose. I went home, planted the white roses in the front, with the black magic roses beside the door, and the red rose right in the center. All I had to do was keep them alive until Near came home.


	8. In this land of makebelieve

Near came home sooner than I thought. He stayed in the hospital for a couple days, and I stayed with him for the majority of the time. I had to leave when he was asleep so that I could water the flowers and keep them beautiful. I blindfolded Near and put him in the sidecar. Once we got home, he slid the blindfold off his face and looked at the roses. His eyes glistened and he wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Do you like it?"

"Like it? Mells, it's all I could ever wish for! They're beautiful!"

Near was leaning on me. He was still really tired from stress and the pressure his body was under when I left, so I picked him up and carried him inside. I set him on my bed and handed him dry toast. He ate it happily and kept it down. He kissed me over and over until I marched him to the bathroom and told him I wasn't kissing him until he brushed his teeth. After he did that, we cuddled on the couch and watched movies for hours. Linda called a couple times to check on Near, and I told her we were happily watching movies and he was fine. Every time I got up from the couch, Near tensed like he thought I was leaving again.

"I'm not going anywhere, darling."

Near tensed and grabbed his stomach, covering his mouth and running to one of the two bathrooms. I heard disgusting sounds and then a loud thumping noise. When I got closer to the bathroom, I could hear Near moaning on the floor. I kicked the door open and pulled him into my arms. His face was covered in vomit and he was clutching his stomach. His stomach was convulsing. I cleaned up his face and put him to bed. Linda called again.

"Hello?"

"_Is he okay?"_

"He threw up again. I'm thinking he's exhausted still. I put him to bed."

Linda sighed.

"_I'll be right over."_

And I didn't have time to argue because Linda hung up her end of the phone. Minutes later I heard her car squeal to a stop outside my house. _Linda… Hurry…. I don't have the right license to drive a car and Near can't ride on my motorcycle..._ Linda came crashing into the house and pointed to her car. I nodded and snatched one of the cooking pots out of the drawer. I put it in Near's lap once I got him situated in said car. He was still gagging, although nothing was coming up. Linda drove (above the speed limit, bless her) both of us to the hospital. When we got there, doctors put Near in a hospital bed and questioned the living hell out of me.

"What is your relationship with Mr. Rivers?"

"I'm his boyfriend."

"What happened?"

"We were watching movies on the couch because I just got home from a trip. Near decided to watch all of the Disney movies that I own, which is like three of the older ones. Then he ran into the bathroom, where he proceeded to puke his guts up into the toilet."

"Did he eat anything?"

"Just some dry toast."

They nodded to each other and pushed me out of the room. Linda pulled me into her car and drove me home. I threw my sweatshirt into the TV, not caring when it didn't really do anything but cause a lot of static electricity to crackle off of the television. Linda just picked up everything I knocked over. When I got to my room, I had tears in my eyes and destruction just followed me around the house. I flopped onto the bed and landed palms up. Linda took one look at the silver scratch marks across my wrists and flipped me over.

"What the hell did you do?"

"_I_ didn't _do_ anything!"

"Not to Near, to yourself! What the hell is this shit?" She snapped, picking up my arm and letting it fall again.

I pulled the article out from under my pillow. It was tattered and yellowing, but for some reason I couldn't throw it away. Linda's eyes flew down the article and she threw it onto the floor like it had bitten her. I chuckled.

"How the hell is that funny? They tried to kill you? In a _bathtub_?"

I nodded, the ghost of a smile on my face disappearing. Linda snatched a couple beers from the fridge and we just sat there and drank ourselves stupid. After a few hours and a couple cases of beer, Linda was beyond rational thinking. I, however, can hold my liquor, thank you very much. I was only half-rational.

"You know what I think? I think you need to actually use the upstairs bathroom. You never do. It's because that's the one with the bathtub, isn't it?"

I snapped out of my drunken stupor at the word 'bathtub'. My entire body froze. I couldn't move.

"Linda, stop-"

Linda grabbed my arm, put her beer on the floor, and dragged me after her. Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Linda turned the water on and I just froze again. I snapped out of it and thrashed around until I hit my head on something and she didn't notice. My head was throbbing and my vision was tinged with red. She put my feet in the water and I passed out cold.

When I woke up, Linda had put dry socks and pants on me. She was also lightly slapping my cheek.

"Come on, Mells, wake up! Wake up, you're not there anymore. Come on, Mello, snap out of it. You hit your head, but you're okay. Wake up, damn it!"

I smacked her hands away and backed into the corner. I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face in them. My chin was covered in dried blood and my shirt was stained with it. I covered my head with my arms.

"What did I do to you? I didn't do anything. I didn't do anything. I didn't do-"

"I'm not Matt, Mello! I don't know what to do in this situation!"

I just sat there until she left. Near was dropped off by Watari a few days later and I hadn't moved. Near dropped whatever he was doing on the counter.

"Mells, you home?"

"I didn't do anything. I didn't even do anything wrong. What did I do?"

Near must have heard me because seconds later he was right in front of me. He pulled my arms away from my head and lifted my chin up. He picked me up by my armpits and carried me into the bathroom. I flinched at the sight of the still-full bathtub but he just grabbed a washcloth and cleaned up the blood caked on my chin. I buried my head in my knees again and Near just sighed.

"Come on, Mihael. Let's get you into some cleaner clothes, okay?"

Near took my hand and led me out of the bathroom. He dropped me on the bed, pulled off my shirt, and put a Ghostbuster's t-shirt on me. Near wrapped his arms around me and mine flopped around him. Everything about him was comforting. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.


	9. dead and dry

"Mells, you have to wake up. Mello, wake up. Wake up god dammit!"

I opened my eyes to bright lights and white walls. This was _not_ Near's shoulder.

"Where the hell am I?"

"You're in the hospital. You passed out on my shoulder and didn't wake up so I drove you here. Apparently, you have a minor case of severe brain damage. You're lucky you remember anything."

_When did I hit my head? What day is it? _My head ached and moving my neck hurt. Everything about the needle in my arm was ominous. The IV drip was steady. Near had his hands in mine. There was something on my chin and it hurt.

"What the-" I flinched, the edges of my vision flashing red for a moment, "-hell is on my chin?"

"Gauze, most likely. You had a giant bruise there and there was actually a cut underneath your jaw. It started bleeding like mad once you got here. They freaked out and did CAT scans and MRIs while you were unconscious, but didn't really come up with anything."

I sighed- another thing that hurt to do- and fell back against the pillows. My neck refused to stop throbbing and I was tired.

"Hey, Mells?"

I grunted, not wanting to open my mouth.

"We need to spend less time in the hospital."

I smiled and Near laughed. Doctors came in with their clipboards and flashlights. One of them injected something into my IV drip and my eyelids slid shut. I woke up inside a big machine. It was loud and my head was stuck in a halo. There was a button in my hand I could press in case I got freaked out. Waking up inside a giant MRI machine? Yeah, I was freaking out. I pushed that button as hard as I could and they pulled me out. Near wasn't with them. They injected my IV with the liquid again and I passed out. I didn't wake up that time. Well, I woke up, but I was back in my own room. I had gauze under my jaw and up to my ears. My head hurt and Near was curled up next to me. I went to lie on my side and he pushed me back.

"You're not supposed to."

_What the hell? Now they're dictating how I sleep? Well shit._ My arms felt like lead and my temples felt like someone was taking a hammer to them. Near threw his arm over my stomach protectively and grimaced. I looked directly into his black eyes and he stared into my blue ones.

"What happened? Can you remember?"

"Linda got drunk…. Tried to-" My head exploded with pain and I bit my lip.

Near immediately sat up and put a hand over his mouth. I was crying and grabbing my head. Near pulled my hands away from my head and looked at the gauze. When he didn't see anything wrong, he grabbed the Tylenol off of the side table. He shoved two in my mouth and I swallowed them. _These taste awful…_ My head slowly stopped aching and I stopped crying. I fell asleep on my back (much to my dismay) and didn't wake up until the late afternoon the next day. Near had already gotten up and was bustling around downstairs. I put a hand up to my head and tried to stand up. The floorboards creaked and I cursed them. My head already hurt enough without the extra noise.

"Go back to bed." I heard Near yell up the stairs.

I winced but did what he said. Seconds later the smell of toast and eggs was wafting into my room. I was half-asleep but Near put the tray on my lap anyway.

"I know you thought it was your turn but your brain's broken so that's not happening. Shut the hell up and eat the food." Near chided, his voice softer than everything else.

I smiled and obeyed. I was surprised to find that Near could actually cook beyond making cereal. It was amazing. Chewing hurt like hell, and swallowing felt like swallowing a chainsaw covered in fire, but it wasn't so bad that I didn't want to eat anything. I winced at the big pieces and Near helped me cut them smaller. For once, nothing bad happened and everything was turning out okay. Then Linda came barreling in through the house and kicked the door open.

"You were in the _hospital _and you didn't _call me_?"

"Linda, you know how I usually would let you talk, but I have a chainsaw carving away at my brain and I really just need you to shut up."

Linda took a step back and glared at me. Near pointed to the kitchen and followed her into it. I'm assuming he explained what happened or something because when she got back she had tears in her eyes.

"Mello, I'm so sorry I dragged you into the bathroom! I shouldn't have done it-"

"It's fine, Linda. Really. I'm okay, you're okay, everyone's fine."

I draped my arm over my eyes to block out the lights and sighed. Near put the tray on the floor and escorted Linda to the front door. I heard it shut and then I felt Near get into the bed. My headache was back with a mean punch. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. I didn't really dream. I woke up to Near's hand covering my mouth and his other hand over my eyes. He was also straddling my waist, which should've been awkward, but wasn't.

"Shut up, Mells! You have to be quiet! Your headache's only going to get worse if you keep screaming and the neighbors have already called the police so please be quiet!"

I stopped screaming and fell limp. Near got off of me and the doorbell rang. Near and I both got up to answer it, Near looping his arm around my waist and hefting me towards the door. I turned the knob.

"Is there a problem, officers?"

"One of the neighbors heard screaming."

"Would you mind coming inside? Mello had an accident and has a concussion. I'm pretty sure the lights and sirens aren't helping with that."

"No problem."

The officer followed us inside and into the kitchen. Near deposited me in a chair and poured two cups of coffee.

"So why was someone screaming?"

"Mello's pain medication wore off while both of us were asleep, I guess."

"Pain medication?"

"Got home from the hospital today." I mumbled, my jaw aching.

_Will this guy just shut up? Honestly._ I covered my face with my hands and leaned back in my chair. Near kicked me under the table and I jolted forward. My chin hit my chest and I winced again.

"You said that Mr. Keehl had an accident? Would you like to elaborate on what happened?"

"Don't remember." I snapped, wiping my bleary eyes and blinking a couple times.

"Was he alone?"

"A friend of ours was over. Mells has a psychological problem with bathtubs-it's a long story you can probably find in police archives- due to his parents, and she got incredibly intoxicated. She ended up dragging him into the upstairs bathroom. He hit his head and passed out." Near replied.

The whole incident came back into my head, and when it did, it made sure to scrape at the inside of my brain with a chainsaw. The pain blocked out the sound around me, and my vision went black as I hit the floor. I felt Near shake my shoulders and the police officer call an ambulance. The officer joined Near in shaking my shoulders and generally trying to either roust me from my semi-consciousness or cause me horrible pain in my neck. I realized I was muttering under my breath and clenched my jaw. It hurt like hell, but it was better than talking aloud. Near heaved me onto the couch. I woke up in the ambulance.


	10. You're so cold,

"Wha happen?" I asked, my jaw not fully cooperating with speech.

"You passed out. They think it was pain-induced."

"Where we going?"

"We're going to the hospital, Mells. Are you okay? You seem… Well, you seem to be having trouble talking."

"Jaw hurts."

Near looked worried. His white eyebrows were creased together and his hands were clenched around mine. He bit his lip and looked across the ambulance at the EMT. They shook their head and I closed my eyes. I fell into the welcoming arms of unconsciousness. When I woke up, there was either a lot of painkillers in my bloodstream or my chin was completely healed. I was hoping it was healed. When I put a hand up to my chin, however, I felt gauze and I sighed. Near was sleeping in the chair. I had a flashback to when Matt was in the hospital. I shook my head to clear it and looked out the window. The sun was shining and it was raining slightly. A cloud passed it and the sky darkened for a split second. _It's like Matt's death is the cloud and everything is the sky underneath it. Time is the sun. Matt's death is like the cloud going over the sun and making this period of time dark. _I was shocked at my own poetic observation with something so simple and everyday as a cloud.

"You woke up, I see."

"My jaw doesn't hurt anymore. Nothing does."

"I should hope so. Your morphine levels are so high I'm surprised you're not asleep right now."

"So basically I'm not in pain because I'm the medical equivalent of high. Wonderful."

Near laughed. I pushed stray hair out of my eyes and pulled my hair back into a ponytail.

"You know what you could do with Mells? A haircut."

I laughed and nodded. Near smiled. Doctors came in and dialed down the morphine by a lot. My jaw gave off a dull throbbing but it didn't really bother me. Near was there, and that was all that mattered. Near being so close and yet so far was so important to me it made my heart ache. Doctors and medical machines were all that stood between Near and I, and I'll be damned if I let that keep happening. I screamed and thrashed when they kicked him out, so they learned not to. Even Linda knew that I would raise Hell if I was away from him. Near and I fed off of each other energy-wise. When he was happy, I was happy, and likewise. Everything was perfect.

"You have short-term memory damage and severe brain trauma. There's no way you'll be able to ride your motorcycle again, it's simply not safe." Doctors told me.

I buried my face in my hands. _Never able to ride my pride and joy again… Damn. _My jaw was healed up by this point, they were just keeping me here because of my brain damage. And I honestly had no quarrels with it. Near, on the other hand, wanted me out of the hospital.

"I have a trip to Amsterdam for a case and I want you to come with me."

"When do you leave?"

"Tomorrow. Think they'll let you out?"

It was then we found out that I wasn't leaving the hospital for a very long time.

"I can postpone the trip-"

"No. Go to Amsterdam. I'll still be here when you get back, remember? And you can always set me straight if I ever go wrong. Go to Amsterdam, Near. This means a lot to you and my brain won't hold you back. Go."

Near left the next morning after saying goodbye. Linda came to visit all the time. I thought she was just doing it to make amends for causing my brain trauma, but it just turned out that Near asked her to keep watch over me in case I forgot him. He was gone for two weeks. I forgot where he was and nearly killed myself worrying over him before Linda reminded me. It was like my brain wanted me to forget all about Near.

"Don't you miss him? Near, I mean."

"Near who?" I asked.

"Near. Remember, your albino boyfriend? The one who went to Amsterdam? He comes back soon."

Everything clicked. At least, it clicked until I forgot again. I was the less-severe version of Alzheimer's. It was horrible. Even when Near came back, I had panic attacks because I forgot where I was and who he was. Those were the terrifying moments. Doctors said after a while everything would get better, but that I had to stay here until my headaches subsided.

"Well, they say you can leave. Would you like to get ice cream?"

"Who are you? Where am I?"

"It's me, Mells. It's Near. Remember me? You're in the hospital. The doctors said you can come home."

"Right. Sorry, Near. I just… Whenever I forget things, I feel awful."

"It's okay, Mello. I'll always be here to make sure you remember."

I clung to Near. Everything about him was sweet and endearing and every time I remembered him I fell in love with him all over again. I made breakfast and bought flowers, but I always forgot about them later. Near found them in the garage and said it was sweet how I was trying to make things up to him. Once, in the middle of a date, I forgot what was going on. I couldn't remember where I was, why I was there, or who Near was.

"Where am I? Who the hell are you?"

"Mello, calm down. You just need to take a moment and remember. It's me, Mells. It's me, Near. Can you remember me? We're eating out."

"No… I'm sorry… I can't remember who you are. You seem nice, though. Mind if I stay and eat with you?"

Pain was clearly etched across the white-haired boy's face. He smiled and told me to stay and eat with him.


	11. but you feel alive

_**ooOooOoo Near's Point of View ooOooOoo**_

Watching Mello lose his memory was a living nightmare. I took him out to his favorite restaurant to eat- we met there- and he completely just forgot about me. About everything. It felt like my heart was being torn in half and a chainsaw was ripping it apart. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I had officially lost everything.

"Where am I? Who the hell are you?"

"Calm down, Mells. You just need to take a moment and remember. It's me, Mells. It's me, Near. Can you remember me? We're eating out."

"No… I'm sorry… I can't remember who you are. You seem nice, though. Mind if I stay and eat with you?"

_No… No this can't be happening._ I wanted to scream. I wanted to scream and shout and cry. I wanted to fall to my knees in the middle of that restaurant and cry. Everything was crumbling around me. I would have to move back into my apartment. I'd have to get used to a life without Mello. No. No that could not happen. It simply was not possible. I wanted to scream and tell him no he couldn't eat with me because I loved him and he had no idea who I was. I wanted to ask him if he ever noticed how much this pain hurts, how much it feels like dying. I didn't, of course. No, what I said was:

"Sure. I didn't really have a date anyway. Must've mistaken you for him."

After that whole ordeal, I just wanted to go home. I left Mello with his address and told him to call a taxi. When he asked me how I knew where he lived, I just told him I was a friend of a friend and sped home. I grabbed all of my clothes, everything that said I was even there, and ran. I ran so far and so fast I couldn't see the cars I drove past. Linda was waiting for me at my apartment. I dropped everything I was holding and fell to my knees. She put her arms around me.

"Near, I'm sure everything will be okay."

"No. He's gone for good this time. I can feel it." I put a hand over my heart. "I can feel it in my heart."

Linda gave a sad smile and helped me and all of my crap inside. I could barely function. Around every corner I thought I saw Mello. It turned out to be nothing more than a ghost- a shadow of everything I had with him. And it hurt. It hurt so much I could scarcely breathe. _I almost wish I had stayed in Amsterdam. That loneliness was nothing compared to this._ My heart hurt. Even my soul ached and Mello had only accomplished that once. I schooled my features into their classic robotic state and kept my emotions on the inside. There was no need to get side tracked.

"Near, you're dealing with this incredibly well-"

"Linda, I've lost him. I can't do anything about it and so thus I have moved on."

I hadn't, though, not really. Thinking back to the day I lost the only man I actually loved gave me so much agony I couldn't stand to think of it. So I didn't. I closed my mind to the whole endeavor. Matt was dead. Mello was gone. I was alone, like I always had been. Linda went to Mello. Light turned out to be Kira and died. L was dead. Everything was going horribly wrong. Mello was dead. I got the call from Linda a few days after he forgot me.

"Near… I know you said you'd moved on, but Mello-Mello's dead. He got into an accident and his van caught on fire and he burned."

I couldn't move. My brain couldn't process the information it was being fed. Mello was dead? No. Impossible. It was simply ridiculous.

"Mello? Are you okay?"

"Is this some kind of sick joke? Is he really hiding out in an abandoned warehouse somewhere where we can't find him? Linda, if you're joking, if you're even considering it, just stop it. Stop it because I can't bear this any longer."

"I'm not joking. Mello is dead."

I hung up the phone and locked my doors. I had no windows in my apartment so I had no problems with those. I sat in the chair facing the wall and just stared at the wall. I got a call from Soichiro Yagami and let it go to voicemail. I got thousands of calls a day- I could afford to miss one. Mello would've told me to disappear off the face of the Earth. I would've listened. What I wouldn't have given to have him with me. If I could make a deal with his God, I would've, and forced the deity to swap our places. Mello's funeral was short-lived. He was lowered into the ground by myself, Linda, Matsuda, and Roger. Linda and I stood in front of his grave. _Wise men wonder while strong men die. Show me how it ends, it's all right. Show me how defenseless you really are. Satisfied and empty inside, but that's all right. You're so cold, Mello, but you feel alive. _

"Near?"

"Yes, Linda?"

"What do we do now? Where do we go from here?"

I stopped. I truly hadn't considered those questions.

"Linda?"

"Yes, Near?"

"It's a terrible day for rain."

"It's not raining, Near."

"Yes, it is. It's raining. It's pouring and nobody can stop it."

And it was pouring. Inside my soul, thunderstorms raged and screamed. I felt Mello still, even though he was six feet underground and couldn't feel anymore. I found myself wondering if he ever remembered. There was a package laying on my front step when I got home. It was from Roger.

_Near-_

_I know you and Mello had a… Relationship, so I thought to give you these. They're journals of sorts, of his final days._

I ripped off the manila paper and opened the first journal.

_Journal-_

_Not a day goes by when I can forget him. His face is everywhere. I see him, a flash of white here, a glimmer of black eyes there. The boy from the restaurant. I feel undeniably attracted to him but yet he finds himself no longer here. I wonder where he was off to._

_~Mello._

_Journal-_

_Near has gone. I want to write down my thoughts for a time when I can no longer remember to think them. I have a dastardly plan that will probably only get me killed. So, in the event that Near does every get his hands on these, I leave him this:_

_**Near. If you're reading this, I am either dead or I am about to be. I don't want you to be sad. I don't want you to be lonely. I just want you to be happy, and to surround yourself with actual people, not transformers. This is good-bye.**_

_**I remember you. I can remember, in vivid detail, every single touch, every kiss, every moment I spent with you. And this is how I want to go.**_

_**I love you, Near.**_

_**~Mello.**_

I flung the journals away from me. I yelled and kicked tables over and chairs hit the floor. Anything that was in my way was going to the floor, and I had no reservations. I kicked my way all the way to my room. Linda yelled after me, lecturing me on the mess I was making. I screamed into the pillows, much like Mello had. I cried and screamed and curled up into a ball before crying and screaming some more. Nothing mattered anymore. Mello was gone. Everything was gone. My world had finished crumbling around me and was in ruins. _Knowing what I know now, knowing what I knew then, there was so much I could have done, so much I could've changed about the way I acted._

"Near, are you okay?"


	12. Lay your hand on me one last time

_**ooOooOoo Near's Point of View ooOooOoo**_

"I'm not okay, no, but if I was, wouldn't I be a monster?"

"No, no you wouldn't. You'd be human. You'd have the ability to move on."

"What if I don't want to move on, Linda? What do I do then?"

"You move on. You move on because it's all you know how to do. You put on a strong face for everyone, Near, and that's all you know how to do."

"If that was all I knew how to do, Linda, I'd never have let him go in the first place."

Linda just sighed. She handed me a tissue and smiled. It wasn't a happy smile. It was the kind of smile you smile when your friend is falling apart at the seams and you can do nothing about it.

"Beating yourself up won't help with anything."

"And I can't talk to him because he's _dead_, Linda. What else can I do?"

"You can move on with your life. You can stand up, kick this situation where it hurts, and move on."

Linda was right. I would have preferred to continue beating myself up about letting him go when I should've stayed. Instead, I went on the internet and found millions of cases easily solved. I called Gevanni and he got all of the paperwork done. It was all just me putting everything off. I had to get rid of the pictures of Mello and I that I had- they were just memories. Memories that meant nothing anymore because he was gone. My heart ached and thumped in my chest. I thought about everything Mello would never get to see. Everything he would never get to do. The police came and went. The funny thing was, my mind couldn't help but wander off to the fact that the coffin was far too light to be Mello's body in there._ It simply doesn't make sense. Why would Mello run off and get himself killed?_ I waited for days for Linda to come back. Everything felt wrong. Everything that was happening was too fast and all of it felt wrong. It all felt wrong… Until the doorbell rang. I raced to the door and threw it open. Standing in it, even if covered in burns that were still bleeding, was Mello. Mello was standing in front of me. I took a step back.

"This is sick. This is so sick it's not funny. What is this? Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"Near, it's me. It's really me, I swear it."

I took another step back.

"I can't believe you. This is sick. This is so sick. This is a sick joke."

"Near, I'm telling you, it's me! I'm serious! I promise. I swear on my own grave that I'm alive. I promise you this. I am alive, and I'm okay."

It was so disgusting. I couldn't believe my own eyes. It was so sick I couldn't look at him.

"You're dead. You're dead, we buried you-"

"I'm not, Near. Near, I'm standing right in front of you. Nate, look at me!"

I stared into his eyes. They were pleading and blue. They were so blue. They were blue and honest. His eyes never looked like that. They never looked like that. _This isn't Mihael. This can't be him. It's just not possible. He died. He's dead. He's dead and this is a sick joke. He's dead and this is-_

"If you are Mihael-and you say you are- tell me something only Mihael would know."

"Your real name is Nathaniel Rivers. Your favorite color is white. Your favorite food is ice cream and you absolutely detest tomatoes. You went to Amsterdam for a brief while when you had to work a case."

I took yet another step back. I couldn't believe my eyes. _But he's dead… He's dead and I buried him._ I blinked.

"Mells… I don't know what your reasoning is, but what you did was tasteless."

He just smiled and collapsed onto my shoulder. _This man… Honestly. _I put him on the couch and snatched all of the gauze and bandages I had in my apartment. Somehow I always knew that with Mello's reckless nature I would need them. I pulled fabric out of his burns and he screamed. I covered his mouth throughout the entire process and bandaged his burns. They bled all over both Mello and I. I stuck him in the bathtub and washed all of the blood off of him. He was covered in blood and ash.

"You idiot… Why were you so reckless? You could've actually been killed."

"Worth it." He smiled.

I kissed his forehead and patched him up. He smiled. He smiled and he was truly happy.

"I don't believe you. It's just… It's unreal. Why didn't you tell me?" I brushed tears off of my face.

Mello sat up and pulled me in with him. Tears flowed out of my eyes and down my face. I was crying. I never cried. I wiped the tears off of my face, trying to keep Mello from seeing me cry. Mello grabbed my hands.

"You don't have to hide anything from me. There's no need to hide anything from me."

I buried my face in his charred shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me. Everything was perfect. Everything was whole again. I didn't care that Mello smelt of fire and charred flesh. He was home again. He was home again and he was mine again. I could close my eyes and, just for a second, Mello would disappear. And that terrified me. I kept my eyes open until they burned. Tears threatened in them and Mello just held me.

"Why don't you close your eyes?"

"Whenever I close my eyes you disappear. I can't bear it when you disappear."


	13. Crowded streets are cleared away

_**ooOooOoo Mello's Point of View ooOooOoo**_

I was outside Near's door. _Do you have the guts to walk back into this life, Mello? After what you did to him? _I pushed the doorbell. I leaned against the doorframe. I was so tired. I was covered in blood and burns from the fire. They didn't bury my body- they buried Naomi Takeda's. Everything was going according to my plan. Near opened the door. He took one look at me and stepped back.

"This is sick. This is so sick it's not funny. What is this? Is this some kind of sick joke?"

"Near, it's me. It's really me, I swear it."

Near took another step back.

"I can't believe you. This is sick. This is so sick. This is a sick joke."

Near took another step back. Disbelief clouded his eyes and I was pleading with him.

"I can't believe you. This is sick. This is so sick. This is a sick joke."

"Near, I'm telling you, it's me! I'm serious! I promise. I swear on my own grave that I'm alive. I promise you this. I am alive, and I'm okay."

He looked disgusted. I could see it in his face that he wanted nothing more to do with me. He looked as though he'd been crying. He looked like he was going to be sick at the sight of me. My knees were knocking together but he didn't notice.

"You're dead. You're dead, we buried you-"

"I'm not, Near. Near, I'm standing right in front of you. Nate, look at me!"

He stared into my eyes. I don't know what he saw, but his heart was steady. He was convinced that I was dead. I was willing to go to the ends of the earth to convince him.

"If you are Mihael-and you say you are- tell me something only Mihael would know."

I was willing to go to the ends of the earth. I'd be damned if I wouldn't convince him.

"Your real name is Nathaniel Rivers. Your favorite color is white. Your favorite food is ice cream and you absolutely detest tomatoes. You went to Amsterdam for a brief while when you had to work a case." Nobody else knew that information.

He blinked. His eyes changed and he blinked.

"Mells… I don't know what your reasoning is, but what you did was tasteless."

I smiled. I felt my knees give out and very nearly fell on top of Near. I clung to his shoulders. I drifted in and out of consciousness, but I felt him move me onto the couch and pull things out of my burns. I screamed and I felt his hand over my mouth. _You're supposed to be dead. You can't make a sound. _All of the sounds died in my throat. I was lucid enough to tell I was bleeding. I was in so much pain. Everything hurt. He stuck me in the bathtub and I couldn't bear it to move. My shoulders ached and flared with pain when he washed the blood and dead skin out of them. Ash and blood clung to me.

"You idiot… Why so reckless? You could've actually been killed."

I was in so much pain. My shoulders ached and my heart felt like it could burst.

"Worth it." I smiled.

He kissed my forehead and patched me up. I smiled. Everything was back in its place.

"I don't believe you. It's just… It's unreal. Why didn't you tell me?"

I sat up and pulled Near in with me. I was covered in water, and blood, but Near didn't care. He brushed tears off of his face. He hurriedly wiped his face, trying not to let me see him cry. _Does he feel like he needs to hide his tears? He might not cry over everything, but even he needs to just let go sometimes. _I grabbed his hands.

"You don't have to hide anything from me. There's no need to hide anything from me."

He buried his face in my charred shoulder. It hurt like hell, but I didn't have the heart to tell him to move. He kept his eyes open, as if he was afraid that if he closed them I would disappear. I held onto him like I held onto Matt. _If he were alive… Would he have done things any differently than I did? What would have changed?_ Near was terrified.

"Why don't you close your eyes?"

"Whenever I close my eyes you disappear. I can't bear it when you disappear."

_Then I'll always be here. I promise. _I closed my eyes to the pain I was feeling and just let myself fall into unconsciousness. I woke up in Near's room, his hand wrapped around mine. My shoulders were bleeding again. I smiled and Near just rolled his eyes at me. _You could have missed this. You could've missed every single moment of being with Near. _I smiled to myself. My head ached and I could feel my memories slipping through my fingers. I snatched at them desperately. My eyes slid shut and I felt myself being heaved into a car. I opened my eyes to a hospital room. I sat up and grabbed my abdomen. The burns there split and the agony was almost unbearable. I collapsed backwards, screaming. My skin felt like it was being ripped apart at the seams, which was probably because it was. Doctors with needles and bandages flooded the room, pushing Near to the hallway. He placed his hand on the glass, nearly cracking it with his fist. I could see tears falling down his face. I could see him biting his lip. I fell through the cracks and into unconsciousness once again. When I woke up, the boy from the restaurant was asleep in the chair next to me. I was covered in burns and bandages.

"You know, I couldn't stop thinking about you the whole time between the restaurant and now, and I never even asked. What's your name?"

He awoke with a start. I saw tears in his eyes and he hastened to brush them away.

"I'm Nate. Nate Rivers."

"Mihael. Mihael Keehl."

"I know. I've known you for a long time. You just forgot all about me." It sounded like speaking those words physically pained him.

The puzzle had begun. I had to put all the pieces in place. _He's in pain. It's not physical, but it's pain, and he's either not trying to hide it or he's God awful at hiding it. I wonder… I wonder if it's my fault. _I would have reached out to him, and I should have, but my shoulders were in so much pain I couldn't think straight. He stood up and walked to the window, staring out it, almost like he was staring into another world. The sky was stained gray and the clouds were crying. The rain smacked against the pavement in big droplets and Nate's face looked like the rain outside. I sat up again, carefully, so as not to split my abdomen open again. Nate was off in his own mind. His eyes were empty and hollow. It was almost as if he was hiding everything from me. He had his arms crossed. Nate's entire body was shaking.

"You can sit down, you know."

Nate shook his head. _I feel like I'm forgetting everything I need to remember._ I closed my eyes. I heard Nate sit down. I opened my eyes. He stared out the window from the chair.

"How did you meet me?"

"We were… we were in the same orphanage. Quillish Whammy's Orphanage for Gifted Children. You ran out, though, the second you turned eighteen."

"How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I don't mind, you can ask anything you want. I'm twenty-one."

Nate was twenty-one years old. I had eaten dinner with someone two years younger than me. His face didn't look that old. He looked like he was fifteen. But if he could drive, he had to be older. _I'm breaking his heart, and I can't even remember even meeting him. I can't remember anything anymore… It's almost like I don't want to remember._

"You had a roommate named Mail. He died a few weeks ago. He had holes in his lungs."

"I'm sorry…. I'm sure you and him were friends. I don't remember him."

"We weren't close, but we were friends, I guess. I'm still waiting for the clouds to move on."

"What do you mean? It's going to rain all day. It says so in the paper."

"I'm not waiting on those clouds."

_What does he mean by that? Those clouds are the only clouds in the sky. Unless he's still grieving over what's-his-name… I can't wait to get out of this hospital._

"How did I get these burns?"

Nate stiffened, almost as if even thinking about my being injured was a physical blow to his body. He had little scars on his arms. I wouldn't ask about those, but I couldn't help but feel curious. _I wonder if those are my fault…_

"You were being reckless. You usually are."

_Reckless… Yeah, that sounds like me._ Nate's eyes emptied again. He stared out the windows at the miraculously parting clouds. The scars on Nate's arms seemed like little silver slivers against a white stone. He seemed to be frozen in time. It was almost sad, seeing him so hollow. _Why do you care? He's just someone who bought you dinner. Snap out of it, Mihael. He's not important. _Nate stuck ear buds into his ears and sighed. I heard an incredibly haunting piano refrain burst forth from his iPod. It was strange, I almost expected to hear rock music. He seemed to sterile, so cold and collected, that haunting music was almost too predictable. He just shrugged and stared out the window. I didn't realize he had gotten up and walked over to the accursed glass. I rolled my eyes.

"What's so interesting?"

"Everyone just moves on like nothing is going on. They work, they eat, they sleep, and they do it all like nothing is wrong. Humans are truly incredible."

"You're watching people outside? It seems a bit… Creepy, if you ask me."

Nate smiled, but the smile was forced and we both knew it. His earbuds blared a two-cello piece that sounded suspiciously like 'Smooth Criminal' by Michael Jackson. He left, only to return with coffee. Nate's arm jolted and he almost dropped his coffee. There was a boiling hot coffee all over his white shirt. He shrugged it off like nothing happened and snatched a bunch of paper towels. After thoroughly drying off his shirt, he drank what was left of his coffee and threw the cup away.

"Are you okay?"

"If there's any burns, I'll find out later. It doesn't really matter, anyway."

"Everything matters, Near." I blurted.

It was almost as if I had been pulled under by a wave. I had millions of memories with Nate/Near, but they were gone in a flash. Nate's head whipped around to look at me.

"What did you call me?"

I stared at him questioningly. _What is he talking about? I didn't say anything._

"I didn't say anything."

"Sorry… Must've been my iPod. I've been zoned out for a while."

"You still responded."

"I did? Strange, I usually don't."

_This kid… Honestly, what am I going to do with him? He acts like a kid._ I hadn't realized he'd walked out of the hospital until I went to talk to him again. The sun had set in the sky and I was exhausted.

_**ooOooOoo Near's Point of View ooOooOoo**_

I zoomed out of the hospital, speeding toward Linda's apartment. There were tears falling down my face. I didn't care. I opened the window, letting the wind whip them off of my face. _He's forgotten me again… He's forgotten and there's nothing I can do about it. _I pulled over and slammed my fists on the steering wheel. I was right outside Linda's apartment building. She came running out of the apartment and knocked on the window. I unlocked the car door and stared at the steering wheel. My heart ached.

"He's forgotten me again."

"He's dead-"

"No, Linda. He's not. He's a liar, he's a criminal, but he's not dead. He's in the hospital. The bastard's in the damn hospital and he forgot all about me again!" Angry tears fell down my face.

"Nate, he'll be okay. If he's not dead now, he can remember you."

My cell phone rang. It was the hospital.

"_Mr. Rivers?"_

"Y-Yes?"

"_Mihael Keehl has passed away. He died in his sleep at eight-thirty PM west coast time."_

"T-Thank you for calling."

I threw my phone into the oncoming traffic and Linda stared at me.

"What the hell, Near?"

"He's dead. He's really dead this time."

Linda covered her mouth and shoved me into the passenger seat. She drove me home and I locked myself in my room. I heard her in the kitchen. I stared at the bottle of cyanide pills I kept in my bedside drawer. I didn't know why I kept them, but I did. I took the lid off and dropped one into my hand. It rolled around before settling in the middle of my hand. _One pill and everything would stop. One pill to end it all._ I put it back and closed the lid. I stuck it on my bedside table and fell asleep.

When I woke up, Linda was standing over me, the bottle of cyanide in her hand.

Oh shit.

"Nathaniel Rivers, just what the hell are you thinking?"

I just shook my head and pulled my comforter over my head. My pillow nearly smothered my face but I didn't care. The razor blade, now exposed to Linda, was covered in my blood and it glinted red. She grabbed it and threw it out the window. She emptied the pills into the toilet and flushed. I didn't care. I had a spare bottle hidden under my mattress. Linda could search my room to her heart's content but she'd never find it. I pulled it out from under my bed and stared at its contents. Linda came crashing back in and I quickly stashed it back under the bed, on the side facing the wall.

"Nate, are you suicidal?"

I shrugged under the blankets.

"Don't shrug at me! I want a straight answer!"

I shrugged again. I knew it would piss her off, but I didn't care. I couldn't care. I had one cyanide pill tucked in the corner of my cheek and I was tempted to break it.

"Near… If you're going to kill yourself, can you answer a question?"

"What's your question?"

"Why?"

I thought about it for a second. I rolled the pill over my tongue and to the other side of my mouth.

"Because everything was dying. And now everything is dead."

Linda made a move to flip me over. I bit down on the pill with a snap, releasing the cyanide and letting myself float away. I heard Linda crying right before I died.

It hurt. It hurt to hear her cry. But it hurt more to see Matt crying on Mello's shoulder in Heaven. I fell into Mello's outstretched arms.

"_I'm dead, aren't I?"_

"_Yeah, you idiot. You killed yourself."_

Everything meant nothing again. Mello was with Matt, and I was alone. All of us were dead. It was inevitable.


End file.
